Misunderstood

This post was originally written near the end of 2013 and published on my primary blog - Bookishlysweet - January 2014.

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I don't want to make this sound like a sob story, but I need to get it out.

LET IT GO.

Sorry.

ANYWAY.

So, I'll try to make this brief.

I have always been a loner, with very few friends. I have had some trust issues in the past because I was very badly bullied in middle school (in several different ways) and I was going through an extremely difficult time with my dad, my panic attacks were really starting to develop, and I was extremely shy and had NO confidence whatsoever.

I have always felt like an outcast.

That's why fictional characters speak to me so much.

Because there's so many who are just like me.

And here's why I bring this up, about feeling/being misunderstood.

My sister and my mom are both EXTREMELY social and confident people.

I am neither of those.

So, I'm kind of the "black sheep" and the "odd one out" in my family.

I love books. Being alone. Writing stories. Daydreaming. Drawing. Creating.

My mom doesn't enjoy reading, likes to be with people, doesn't write or draw, and is too busy to really daydream. She also thinks fangirls/boys, fandoms, feels, and shipping are stupid.

Basically:

I've been explaining to my mom what 'fandoms' and 'fangirls/boys' are.

Last night I explained shipping because I mentioned people are shipping Jack Frost (from Rise of the Guardians) and Elsa (from Frozen) because we watched Rise of the Guardians.

Today, before I went to run, I mentioned to my mom how Tyler had also watched and liked the movie last night and I said that he had "felt all these feels." Mom was confused by that and had no idea what it meant. I explained to her what "feels" are and she was super disinterested.

Just now I said "For the record, I don't think I ship Jack and Elsa." and she stared at me like I had just spoken in a foreign language and said:
Mom: ....What?
Me: ...I don't think I ship Jack and Elsa.
Mom: Who's Elsa? Who's Jack?
Me: ...Elsa from Frozen and Jack Frost. I don't think I ship them.
Mom: What does that even mean?
Me: Remember I told you last night? Shipping is when some fandoms' fangirls/boys want two characters to be together so they 'ship' them-
Mom: That's stupid.
Me: ...No...it's not...
Mom: It's stupid! *leaves*

No. 1: I am a fangirl, I have feels, and I am a member of several fandoms. So there.
No. 2: Shipping isn't stupid.
No. 3: Why do you insist on judging something that I love and that you don't understand so harshly?
No. 4: I will never not be a fangirl. Boom.

(UPDATE: I told my mom how I felt/feel and she explained she didn't mean that what I love is stupid; she just doesn't get it and thinks it SOUNDS stupid. I explained it in further detail and she got it and told me that I am by no means "the black sheep" and that I am loved and she is proud of me for pursuing my passions and for reading so much, since it is something she doesn't do very much herself.)

This isn't the first time my mom has jabbed at me for being...different. For closing myself in my room to read, for going on runs every day to clear my head, for obsessing over fictional characters, for crying over books...

And don't get me wrong, I love my mom, but I wish she could understand that this is something I LOVE. I bet if she loved it like I did, she'd understand.

I guess she's not only social and the opposite of me, but she's...an adult.

So...she doesn't get it.

It just really hurts.

When we went and saw Frozen, my mom saw how deeply the movie resonated with me and how much Elsa in particular fascinated me.

She remarked it's probably because I finally feel like I can let it go.

Graduation is coming. College is coming. A new chapter is coming.

Freedom from the day-to-day grind of high school is so, so close.

And I feel like I can FINALLY be ME.

Myself.

I used to feel ugly and worthless and alone. Lonely. So, so lonely.

People were disgusted of me because of my panic attacks. They thought I was seeking attention.

Someone wrote this head-canon of Elsa and Anna...it speaks to me so much:

This is why I am so thankful to God in my life for my boyfriend.

I don't want to get too sappy, but here's what's up:

 Tyler and I are, like, the same person, but with two different pasts, outlooks on life,  and mannerisms.

We're both nerdy, a fangirl and a fanboy, and totally feelsy and weird.

I love him because he gets me and loves me for me.

He's the first person to not treat my panic attacks as if they're some disease or contagious affliction.

Elsa was afraid of revealing her powers because everyone would be afraid of her.

I'm afraid of explaining my panic attacks to people because I've been:

a. Shut down

b. Shunned.

c. Called 'crazy'

d. Told I was demon-possessed

I don't want to judged.

Tyler...when I have a panic attack, he is there to hold me, comfort me, and whisper to me.

He still loves me, even with these terrifying episodes.

I've been much too clingy to Tyler...I've been paranoid about some mystery girl stealing him away. I've had nightmares of him rejecting me or falling in love with someone else. I've been angry when he doesn't update me on what he's doing or where he's going.

I have apologized for this several times (and there's a letter coming to you Tyler...should be there tomorrow afternoon).

Why was I clingy?

I didn't/don't want to lose him.

I have no friends. I've been rejected. I feel so ugly and...misunderstood.

Then Tyler.

Then his friends.

I have love from him and them for who I am.

Some weirdo who spazzes and loves books and cries over fictional characters.

That's who I am.

So, STOP calling me a attention seeker. STOP judging me because I have a blog, love books, stutter sometimes, can't pronounce some words correctly, and have panic attacks. Just STOP.

There.

I've let it go.

~Amanda