The Essence of Scar Tissue


Yesterday I was at my little sister's high school graduation ceremony. During this time, the principal stepped up and proclaimed these two things to the 590 graduates:
1. Your past does not define you.
2. There are people out there who love you so much they would lay down their lives for you.

I was surprised to hear these two things because:
1. I felt moved by this because I have been struggling with the meaning of this phrase recently.
2. I did not expect this to be said at this ceremony...and it was extremely important for me to hear.

Your past does not define you.

My past is not an easy one. It is not a soft one. It is not always a happy one.
My past has hardened me. It caused my believing and trusting heart to become rock-hard, encased in a cold, un-feeling barrier between me and all around me.

When people in high school met me, they described me as coming off as "cold" and "distant" and "closed off." But when I became a senior, they described me as "friendly" and "sweet" and "worthy of love."

I am still moving past my past. I began to shed my stone-cold heart when I met my now-fiance, Tyler, near the end of my freshman year of high school. However, I went right back to being closed off (old habits die hard), and it came out in the forms of impatience, intolerance, anger, bitterness, and lashing out. I was a very nasty person my Junior year of high school.

But God worked in me, through Tyler, to once again bring me to humility, soften my heart, and to scream into my soul: "DAUGHTER, enough! You are MY child, not Satan's. So act like it!"

My knotted and gnarled heart became molded by God's loving hands.

So, when I was nearing the end of my Senior year, the classmates I had been with for all four years (AVID), began to describe me differently.

"Amanda is a sweetheart who is willing to help others at all times."
"Amanda never says anything mean or hurtful."
"Amanda only wants to be helpful and kind."
"Amanda is one of the nicest people I have ever met."

This were written down for me by my classmates, and I was floored by the 180 God had performed on me.

But I was, and still am, far from finished.

I can be proud of my scars. But once they start to open and fester, I need to turn to God.

My freshman year of college began to harden my heart once again. I became an enraged and bitter person once again. During sophomore year, I hurt and pushed people away. I became severely depressed and cold towards others. I was snappy, rude, and intentionally hurtful.

This past year was my Junior year. My depression hit its climax: I have had the police come to my house due to my close proximity to committing suicide, I struggled with getting out of bed before noon, I was late to my classes almost all of the time, I was silent during class, I began to test my friends and fiance, and I began to shake my fist at God.

But He, once again, brought me to my knees.

He answered every prayer. He made my ugliness into beauty. He turned my struggles into hope for others. He brought people who truly love me into my life. He showed me my depression doesn't define me.

Let me say that again - My depression DOES NOT define me.

As I sit here typing this, my softened heart is singing in the presence of God's love. I feel at peace, and I believe that I am, as my name means, worthy of love. I believe I have a purpose. I believe I am a princess of the King.

But there will come a day when these promises seem to lose their luster. My heart will writhe in the throes of depression. Satan will rear his ugly head and whisper his lies into my soul, needling me into believing my anxieties.

You are unworthy.

You are disgusting. 

No one loves you.

Everyone will leave you.

You are a failure.

You will never achieve your dreams.

God gave you depression because He hates you.

You are absolutely, all-together WORTHLESS.

And I will believe these things. I will begin to push away those who love me. I will begin to consider a knife against my skin. A bullet through my brain. A noose around my neck. A world without me, a world that is a better place in my absence.

And I will come out of that. The mountains and valleys are part of life. I walk in the valley of the shadow of death. I struggle to ascend the mountains, but God makes me as surefooted as the deer. He trains my hands for battle, He defends my heart and soul, He turns my ashes into beauty, and crowns me with love.

To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory. - Isaiah 61:3 (NLT)

I am worthy of love.

-Amanda

 

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