From 'I'llness to 'We'llness

As someone with mental illness, a phrase I often hear is "You are not alone."

I get so annoyed by this at times, mainly because those who tell me I am not alone do not have mental illness, and thus I feel lost and alone because they do not fully grasp my experience.

Mental illness has a solitary 'I.' It makes you feel i-solated, i-gnored, and i-rregular.

I feel inhuman and unwanted due to my mood swings, depression, and episodes of outbursts. I feel hard-pressed, shaken down, and thrown out. I am drowning. 

And when you are drowning, you often need someone to pull you up.

When Jesus walked on the water, He was completely unaided and uninhibited; He was unafraid of the huge storm with its crashing waves and tremendous winds. The disciples were fear-stricken, believing they were going to die that night. Jesus approached them, and called out "It is I! Do not be afraid!" They were even more afraid because they thought He was a ghost!

But Peter replied, "Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water." There is a sense of excitement and awe that Peter took this leap of faith to come out to Jesus on the water; a mortal man walking on water! However, there is an immediate discouragement.

'[Jesus] said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me!” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”' (Matthew 14:28-33)

Peter's fear overtook him; he thought he had the power within himself to walk on the water to Jesus and prove himself. But instead of focusing on Jesus, he focused on the terrors surrounding him; the waves of wrath, the winds of worthlessness, the waters of woe. And thus, he began to sink into the depths. He threw his pride aside and screamed out for Jesus, Who took his hand and drew him up and out with little effort. 

"O you of little faith, why did you doubt?"

When I am drowning, I often just smile and pretend all is well. I refuse to give up the control I think I have on my emotions and life. But then I explode, and I begin to sink, screaming in anger and fear on my way down.

It takes two, three, or even more hands and hearts to help me out of the pit that is my mental illness. It is a constant fight, a daily war, a battle that is raging 24/7.

So why am I so adverse to the comfort of "You are not alone?"

Because I doubt people's promises to help me. I doubt God's promises to love me. I doubt my own self to cry out.

You are not alone, O my soul. 

The whispers of "You are not alone" include:

“God is with you – wherever you may go and no matter what life brings." (Joshua 1:9)

"I love you at your darkest." (Romans 5:8)

"Under My wings you will find refuge." (Psalm 91:4)

"Be strong. Be brave. Be fearless. You are never alone. I will never leave you or forsake you." (Joshua 1:5)

How can I own these beautiful promises when I feel so alone and ugly and worthless?

By becoming less about "I" and more about "Him." 

By finding my faith over the dirge of my doubts.

By going from 'i'llness to 'we'llness.

You are not alone.

You are found, though you feel lost.

You are beautiful, though you feel worthless.

You are whole, though you feel shattered.

You are altogether fearfully and wonderfully made.

You are heard. You are seen. You are loved.

Find help. Become well.

Be loved.