I Hate Myself

"Hey, Amanda, how are you doing?"
"I want to kill myself."

"Hi, how are you!?"
"I am so depressed I want to scream."

"How's your day going so far?"
"I wish I hadn't woke up this morning."

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My name is Amanda Marie Heck.
I am 21 years old.
I am not proud of who I am.

I have bipolar disorder.
I have anger issues.
I have depression.
I have anxiety.
I have mania.
I have panic attacks.
I have overwhelming self-loathing.
I have suicidal thoughts.
I hate myself.

I have come to the realization I hate who I am.

I hate my anger.
I hate my doubts.
I hate my depression.
I hate being tired.
I hate my existence.

I love my fiance.
I love my friends.
I love my family.
I love the color blue.
I love horses.
I love writing.
I love reading.
I love running.
I love Disney.
I love books.

I hate myself.

I love dolphins.
I love sunsets.
I love my cats.
I love Voltron and RWBY and anime.
I love singing with my friends.
I love pizza.
I love coffee.
I love rain.
I love games.

I hate myself.

I hate the way I hate.
I hate the way I blow up.
I hate the way I drink too much.
I hate the way I want to be numb.
I hate how much sleep I need.
I hate the way my voice sounds,

I hate my existence.

God. loves. you.

Okay.

God loves you.

I get it.

God loves yo-.

Please stop.

God has a purpose for you.

I heard you.

God created you this way for a reason.

I know.

God will never leave you.

I know.

So why are you afraid?

I hate myself.

Why?

I just do. I'm a monster.

No, you're not.

Prove it.

Um...

Exactly.

I'm working on it, okay?

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