Easter Sunday 2018

Source: an_apollo_peach

Judas Hangs Himself

Then when Judas, his betrayer, saw that Jesus was condemned, he changed his mind and brought back the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and the elders, saying, “I have sinned by betraying innocent blood.” They said, “What is that to us? See to it yourself.” And throwing down the pieces of silver into the temple, he departed, and he went and hanged himself. But the chief priests, taking the pieces of silver, said, “It is not lawful to put them into the treasury, since it is blood money.” So they took counsel and bought with them the potter's field as a burial place for strangers. Therefore that field has been called the Field of Blood to this day. Then was fulfilled what had been spoken by the prophet Jeremiah, saying, “And they took the thirty pieces of silver, the price of him on whom a price had been set by some of the sons of Israel, and they gave them for the potter's field, as the Lord directed me.” - Matthew 27:3-10

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Here's a small part of the Bible that I never have read or heard about until today. It is Easter Sunday, and of course, I was sitting in church hearing a sermon about Jesus's resurrection from the dead and the amazing gift of eternal life we have received from that. I was flipping through each gospel to see how each story of Jesus's death and resurrection was written, and I came across this section only in Matthew. 

Judas, Jesus's betrayer, hangs himself. 

He realizes the debt of his sin, the horrible crime he has committed against the Son of God, and proclaims his horror, only to be brushed off. Distraught, he kills himself, and nothing is spoken of him again.

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About his suicide, very little needs to be said. The Bible tells us that “he went away and hanged himself.” It is the final act of a man who could not live with himself and the memory of what he had done. In the ultimate irony on this tragic day, Judas died before Jesus did.........

Question 2: Why Did He Feel Such Remorse?  
The answer is that Judas was like all of us on the inside — torn by opposite impulses. He should have been better or he should have been worse. If he had been a better man, he would never have betrayed the Lord. If he had been worse, he wouldn’t have felt so miserable. He died a tragic death—miserable and guilt-ridden with the blood of the Son of God on his hands........

But someone else may ask, “Did Judas go to hell because he committed suicide?” Good question, and the answer is once again No. Suicide is a sin, but it is not why Judas went to hell. Judas went to hell because he never truly committed himself to Jesus Christ. His betrayal proved that fact; his suicide merely sealed his fate......

One final question. “Doesn’t the Bible say that Judas ‘repented?’” The older translations do indeed use that word in Matthew 27:3. A more accurate rendering is “seized with remorse.” Although Judas was gripped with the wrongness of what he had done, he never asked for forgiveness. There is a world of difference between those two things. Many people who truly feel sorry for their sins never come to God and ask for forgiveness. Judas tried to undo his betrayal, but it was too late. I do not doubt that he wept bitter tears as he threw the money back into the temple. But his remorse (as sincere as it was) was not true repentance and it did not lead to forgiveness. It led instead to suicide, the ultimate proof that Judas died an unforgiven man. 

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I have bipolar disorder - that's the entire reason why this blog exists. As I wrote on March 30th, having bipolar disorder means being torn between two different realities. Sometimes I literally feel like I am two different people - but I'm not. I am a single woman who still feels like a girl, someone who feels like both wraith and whole. 

Last night I ran a knife and razor over my arms - the blunt ends. I was too afraid to actually slice my skin open and bleed. I was afraid of the pain, afraid of feeling the warm liquid. I tied a belt around my neck and began to choke myself. It hurt. I was scared, especially since it got stuck and I didn't want my family to come into my bedroom and see me. I took it off, put it back in my drawer, felt my heartbeat, and went to sleep. 

Yes. I did do this last night. 

And today I put on my cracking mask of "Okay." I am okay. I am okay. How am I doing today? I'm okay. 

I'm not okay. 

I am getting help. I am upping my medication. I am suffering. I am trying.

Yes, I know. Suicide is a sin. But it is also a temptation. No one seems to understand why suicide and self-harm are so tempting. And they would never understand until their brain was like mine: sick. 

I do not have a healthy brain.

The rest of me? Fine.

I have no disease. I have healthy teeth and eyes and skin and bones and heart. Despite the occasional pimples, my need for glasses, and joint pain from running, I am healthy.

But my brain is not.

And that spreads to the rest of my body.

My teeth seem to always be clenched. My eyes have dark circles and twitches. My skin breaks out and is cold. My bones ache. My heart flutters and seemingly stops. 

I ache. And I hide it. 

I wrote this today after church:

Dear Suicide,

This one's for you. You love creeping around the edges of my mind, seeping into my gray matter like it's a pool for your pleasure. Damn you. I'm not your cesspool. I'm not your breeding ground. I'm not your country club. Get out of my head. You are not welcome you disgusting monster. You are nothing. So stop making me feel like nothing. I refuse to throw my body away like refuse just because you say I'm trash. My worth is not based on your worthlessness. You tell me it would make them happy if I kill myself - that having them sit numbly, staring at my blank space would help them more than me remaining alive. You are all-together evil. You snatch so many away to die within your black shadow. But look how weak and pathetic you are - one flash of joy or light dissipates you. You used to make night hell for me, but I have become a moth. I spread my wings and lap up every bit of light, including the silver moonbeams. I am not a beautiful day-dwelling butterfly. I am its lesser counterpart, but at least I am something. You are nothing. And you cannot make me nothing. Because I am still alive. I've tried to appease you, but you've never been fed. My body is not your bread, my blood is not your wine. My brain is not your castle, my skin is not your barrier. I can crack you. I can break you. You cannot ferment in my life. You cannot prosper. You have no soil to take root in. I will pierce you and blood will cascade out, along with water. I will bathe myself in your absence and rejoice in your death because you will never rise or win. Your victory is impossible, and your boasting is empty. Get out. Leave. You may come back, but I will be here. Alive. Always. 

-Amanda

I am alive. He is alive. I want to stay alive. I do. Despite desiring to not to at times. 

My heart still beats. My blood still flows. My brain still hurts.

I am whole. 

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Source: (Judas information) 

https://www.crosswalk.com/church/pastors-or-leadership/what-happened-to-judas-11532302.html