Live A Life Worth Imitating




I recently went to the Beachside Summerfest at Huntington Beach - a Christian event with booths, music, and activities. One of the booths at this event was Barnabas Clothing Company, a brand I had never heard of. Their philosophy is that your clothes speak volumes about you, and the act of getting dressed is not often thought about as something important for expressing yourself and telling others about you. Or about Someone else. 

The founder, Alex Aquino, states that 



"we are not just a clothing brand, but a movement of individuals, bringing encouragement to the world by raising the flag of awareness of change through positive messages and the challenge to live a life worth imitating."


The brand gets its catchphrase from 1 Corinthians 11:1 - "Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ."
This philosophy got me to thinking about my own life as my mom let me pick out this sweater as a gift from her to me. Is my life one worth imitating? Due to my bipolar disorder, thoughts of shame, guilt, and worthlessness invade my mind with a stunning amount of frequency and strength. I believe every little mistake I make is like an atomic bomb going off, ruining everything and making things horrible for everyone. All because of me. I get angry easily, not at people, but usually at myself, which then stems out to me seeming to be angry at others. I lash out, hit walls, and show my frustration through my actions, words, and writing. I don't think my life is worth imitating, but I wish it was. I am walking in Christ's footsteps - incredibly imperfectly - because I do want to imitate Him. I know as Christ's ambassadors, we are called to reflect Him to the dark world, to be lights and hope. I often pound myself into oblivion with this "truth:" I can never be a light or show hope because I am darkness and am hopeless due to my illness. My illness makes me unable to function like a normal person. My daily battles include the energy to get out of bed, the motivation to put on makeup, the desire to eat food or drink water, and so many other basic things. How is that a life worth imitating? I don't think it is. And that doesn't even cover the words from my lips, thoughts in my mind, or outward actions and deeds, often stained by my illness's tendencies. Anger, bitterness, frustration, depression, crying, cussing, etc. These come more easily because of bipolar disorder. I am easily aggravated. I snap at others and believe I am nearly always in the right. I push people away and hide in my bed. I don't answer texts. Or when I do, I stay as vague as possible. What is a life worth imitating? Really only Christ's, but I know I am called to imitate Him and live a life worth imitating. Leave a legacy of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. If any one of the above eludes me the most, it is self-control. I exhibit little to no self-control in the areas of: 1. Spending/saving money. 2. Alcohol consumption 3. Coffee buying/consumption 4. Binging on anger and depression 5. Refusing to admit my bad habits 6. Stopping or re-working my bad habits 7. OCD usage of expensive household products - thus making trips to buy them more frequent. Money is evil to me because it fills me with so much guilt. The second my paycheck arrives, it is gone: spent on gas, food, coffee, alcohol, and petty pleasures I think will make me feel better. I don't live a life worth imitating. It's so hard. According to facts about Type 2 Bipolar Disorder, people with this illness are more prone to excessive spending, substance abuse, and denial of their bad habits. I often feel like a sinful statistic rather than a holy outlier. I fall between the lines of my "type" rather than break the boundaries for Christ. Open-ness is painful. All that I just exposed about myself above was painful to admit and write. Maybe it's a step in the right direction. I don't know. After all, I did go to bed at 3 AM last night and slept until 4 PM today. I drank last night, got coffee today, and am thrashing about in my skin, cranky, angry, irritated, and wishing to escape it all. Life is hard.

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