Mania, Manic Me

Source: https://psyche.media/bipolar-is-just-an-excuse
Bipolar 1: Where the individual has experienced episode(s) of mania, with or without a history of depressive disorders.

Bipolar 2: Where the individual has experienced episode(s) of both hypomania and depression (and has never experienced an episode of mania or had psychotic episodes).
“Mania” is a high mood that is of distinct severity and where the individual is often psychotic in the sense of having delusions and/or hallucinations.
“Hypomania” comes from Greek and means “less than mania”. It describes a high that is less severe than a manic episode and without any psychotic features such as misinterpretation of events.
The symptoms for bipolar 2 are similar to those for type 1, only without the intense mania. During hypomania you might feel,
  • Overly self-confident
  • Flying from one idea to another
  • Loud or rapid speech
  • Boost in energy
  • Sleeplessness
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I have type 2 bipolar disorder, which means more depressive episodes than manic ones. One thing I have greatly struggled with in having this illness is that I have a very difficult time determining who is actually "me." Who am I aside from this illness? Am I always Depressed Amanda? What is Manic Amanda like? Who is "Middle" Amanda - the real Amanda?

It's an awkward spectrum. My moods, thoughts, behaviors, emotions, actions, and beliefs swing between the highs, lows, and middle of the spectrum.

Manic - - - - -  - - - - - - - - Middle - - -  - - - - - - - - - Depressed

I am on the Depressed side for the most part. Type 2 Bipolar results in many more depressed episodes while Type 1 results in many more intensive manic episodes, which requires more hospitalization. Mania can often manifest itself in "grandiose" behaviors, such as driving too fast, drinking too much, excess gambling, higher levels of promiscuity, not sleeping, and other dangerous behaviors. 

In having Type 2, I experience "hypomania" more than full mania. Hypomania, as defined above, is simply an episode of less severe mania: it is a state of being where I feel GOOD about myself, much more than when in a depressed state. 

The inspiration for writing this post comes from yesterday. I had an incredibly good day yesterday, marked out in this month of extreme lows in depression. I felt very 'high' yesterday and kept wondering if I was experiencing my manic self. I felt daring, less self-conscious, very excitable and easy-going, carefree, and had little regard for potentially embarrassing myself in front of others - all things I am hyperaware of when depressed. 

I actually ended up having a panic attack near the end of the day, which signaled the ending of the manic episode. Once I got home and was settled, approximately 45 minutes after the panic attack, I felt my mood swing and was back in the depressed stage. I ended up waking up today very aggravated, went back to sleep, and slept until noon. I am still in an irritated, exhausted state and wish to be left alone. 

This illness is exhausting. But I am hoping to gain some control by monitoring and recording my experience with it. ''

I do like Manic Amanda quite a bit. 

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