"God Loves You"


I am starting to understand why people say there cannot be a God because of all of the pain and suffering around us. I am starting to understand why people say that if there was a God, He is not good or loving but cruel and sadistic. I am starting to understand why faith wavers and wanes.

 I am losing ground and have slid so close to the pit of Hell that I am no longer burning: I am on fire.

 I am on fire with anger.

 I am so angry at God.

 I laid awake all night last night crying. Crying because I hate my life. Crying because I feel my friends are fake and cheating me. Crying because I hate myself. Crying because of how my medications make me feel. Crying because I am weak. Crying because I feel like God hates me and I hate Him.

 I run from Him now. I know I am. I am intentionally running from Him.

 I know what good strong Christians will say: Well, THAT'S why you're on fire, why you're in so much pain.

 Here's my answer: You. Have. NO. Idea. What. My. Life. Is. Like. What it's like to live inside my skin. My head. What my illness does to me on a daily basis. 

 No one around me understands what it is like to have this illness. No one. 

 I know, yeah, I could go join a support group, I could volunteer, I could do yoga, I could I could I could I could make something of my life. 

 Stop. It doesn't help. 

 It doesn't.

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