Re: "God Loves You"



This is a response to the previous blog post I wrote on July 7th.

 "I am starting to understand why people say there cannot be a God because of all of the pain and suffering around us. I am starting to understand why people say that if there was a God, He is not good or loving but cruel and sadistic. I am starting to understand why faith wavers and wanes.

I am losing ground and have slid so close to the pit of Hell that I am no longer burning: I am on fire.

I am on fire with anger.

I am so angry at God."
-------------------------------------------------------------
July 3rd of this year, I saw a psychiatrist for the first time. She evaluated me and had me completely quit Celexa, a Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor (SSRI). It helps treat depression. 
She explained that this medication was causing the mania that I had been experiencing, and told me to not wean off of it. This caused me to have severe symptoms - it is not advised to quit an anti-depressant without weaning off of it. 
So July 7th, I wrote a raw blog post, which the above text is from.
From then until now, I have been...better than ever in my entire life. My psychiatrist put me on two new medications: Lamotrigine and Buspirone. This is in addition to Seroquel, which I was already on. The only change was cutting the Celexa.
I joined a gym with set workouts and Weight Watchers - I had been warned by my psychiatrist that major weight gain can potentially happen with the new medications. I was already unhappy with my weight and body, and I knew a change was needed.

 Since July 7th, I have lost 10 pounds, not suffered any major depression or anxiety, and I can now do push-ups without struggling (like...8 or 10 push-ups. I'm still getting there).

 I want to thank all of those around me who never gave up on me during this journey through hell and back. 

 Mom - you are the reason I am still alive. You are my closest ally and friend. Without you, I wouldn't have gone to church or learned about God. 

Stacey - my mother's stronghold, and therefore my second mother. Thank you for your transparency, love, and motivation. 

 Tyler - my true love and my true heart. Thank you for being patient with me through the 6 years we have been together. I cannot wait to be your wife.

 James - the sweetest best friend. Thank you for the openness, the jokes, the anime, the strength. The beard. I love you.

 TyWag - for the analytical way you approach things with a gentle heart. You have made me stronger and more happy to be alive.

 For my church family who read my diagnosis in the bulletin and have sent cards, met with me, and prayed for me. 

 For my God. For forming me in my mother's womb, for knowing me - past, present, and future. 

 I am on the road to healing. 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Social Media: Attention Seeking

Image
Yesterday on Instagram and Facebook I shared a story regarding my psychiatrist appointment and current fears regarding my liver and other aspects of my life. I included two pictures of my teary face and signed off by saying "Sorry, I needed to get that off of my chest." This morning as I reviewed it and noticed how many people viewed it on both platforms, I've decided to make this post. To be completely honest: I hate social media due to the aspect that it causes many people to turn into attention-seekers. They love to make their lives look perfect through what they portray on social media. Filters, hashtags, and selfies dominate platforms and compete for likes and followers. I previously deleted my old Facebook and Instagram accounts and now have new ones for the purpose of sharing my story with mental illness and to do what most people on social media do not: portray the real and raw of everyday life. Which often isn't pretty and can be quite boring. Beside...
Read more

Re Re: "God Loves You" - July 2018 vs. July 2019

Image
"Trauma isn't something we ought to take lightly. Not even I know the nature of his past, but it's best for us and for him to avoid it for the time being. There will be a proper time for him to tell us everything."... In his eyes, I see he's still disquieted. But behind it, there's a well of fire and lightning. A silent strength in his soul is longing to be acknowledged and believed in. This kid's got something special, and his decision to join our quest will be the first step in his journey of self-discovery. - Tarento The Epic of Marindel: Chosen, page 152 ------------------------------ Back in July of last year, I was going through hell in the throes of my illness. The medication I was on at the time had been prescribed under the pretense of a misdiagnosis, which caused it to only worsen my symptoms. I was in agony. Everything hurt, day in and day out, and all I could do was rage and cry, drinking myself into numbness to have some relief. Of co...
Read more

2019: Chapter 2 - My Student Saga

Image
January. February. March. April. June. July. August. September. Fall, to me, is the best time of year. When the leaves die, yet they change. When people intentionally dress up and let themselves free, despite wearing masks. When the cold becomes to come, and the sharpness makes one alert. Autumn. September. I began my student-teaching on September 5th. I was placed at Santiago High in Corona. I had never heard of the school before in my life. I dressed up all nice, actually did my hair, and drove there in the early morning. I got to see the sunrise over the school. It felt telling of my time there. I met my master teacher, a powerhouse of a woman. She immediately hugged me and told me how excited she was to have me. It eased my nerves. I watched the students pour in. I just watched and smiled, absolutely terrified on the inside. I did not yet understand the school's schedule, so I did not know I was only meeting a portion of the students I would be teach...
Read more