2019: Chapter 1
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| Source: Sad Ghost Club |
I am both relieved and a little apprehensive. I think that is normal with any year coming to an end.
2019 was one of the toughest years of my life. Yet, as the saying goes, a smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.
With anything, it is always best to start at the beginning.
When I rang in the new year back in January, I was sitting in a hot tub under the stars with my fiance and, at the time, my best friend of over five years. From here on out, I will reference this friend as M.
We were laughing, talking, joking, and sharing our hopes and dreams for the new year. We made a promise to one another to be open and honest, and to help one another through our dark times. We reminisced over 2018 and made new goals for ourselves.
We went to bed and went to Denny's the following morning. It felt so simple, yet so magical.
January ended up going by in a blur.
February came, and I suffered my first loss of the year.
My beloved kitty, Allie, suddenly and swiftly became ill and passed away. It was absolutely devastating for me. She was only nine, and I felt absolutely blind-sided. She was my best friend. She greeted me every day I came home, marching in place and shaking her tail. She slept with me every night. I treasured her.
And then she was gone.
The same day I lost her, I ended up bringing a new kitty home. It felt too fast, and I almost felt as if I was betraying Allie.
That kitty was a young, black Maine Coon mix that I named Edward, after that aforementioned best friend, M.
I fell in love with Edward, and he mixed well with my other cat, Howard. I adopted him, and he helped ease the pain of Allie's loss, even though I still miss her. I got an engraved cat tag made for her, and it is on my car keys lanyard. I see it every day.
March was a blur as well. My sister turned 20, and I was working hard in my Master's courses. I blocked March out for good reasons. I actually ended up getting close with a girl who I thought would be my friend, and I, in turn, got her close with M. They hit it off quickly, and I was so happy for them both. I went to Disneyland my spring break with this girl, and I felt so happy I finally had a friend who wasn't a male. (I love my guys, don't get me wrong). But, it was short-lived, because then came April.
April.
The worst month of them all.
April was supposed to be magical. It was supposed to be a celebration. A celebration of M's birthday, my fiance's birthday, and my sister's marriage.
But only seven days into April, I suffered another loss. A loss that nearly completely broke my spirit. And that one loss became several.
I lost M.
To be brief, M and I became fast friends back in 2015. I looked up to him. I considered him my big brother. His mother was a mentor to me.
But I refused to accept other peoples' points of view on the friendship.
I refused to believe it was toxic.
April 2nd was M's birthday. We all celebrated. And M ended up becoming 'official' with the girl I set him up with.
Only a few days later did M molest me.
It sounds too harsh a word to use, but I am not sure I can put it any other way.
I found out he was lying to me. Again. And then he violated my boundaries. I cried all night.
And it all ended the next day.
I lost him, and that girl. I lost his mom. I lost his aunt. I lost so many relationships and memories that I cherished because of his narcissistic behavior.
I broke.
I celebrated my fiance's birthday. My sister got married.
And I mourned.
My summer semester began, and it was the hardest of them all. I had no time to grieve, seek counsel, or release myself of the shame I felt.
I suffered through my summer courses. I went through the cycle of grief too many times to count. But the cycle wasn't linear or smooth, it was jumpy and rocky, with many points of bitterness and rage.
So April passed. May. June. July. August.
None of those months were particularly eventful or special.
And then September came.
September was when I began my student-teaching.
And that was the biggest life-changer of 2019.
-End Chapter 1-
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