I Told You So

Sometimes God says, "I told you so."

There are plenty of warnings and instances of chastisement in Scripture. God lays out His expectations clearly, and we fall short of them every day.

I fall short of them every day.

Today my focus verse from my devotion is Isaiah 48:17.
Thus says the Lord,
    your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel:
“I am the Lord your God,
    who teaches you to profit,
    who leads you in the way you should go.

The NIV translation says
“I am the Lord your God,
    who teaches you what is best for you,
    who directs you in the way you should go.

I so often love to pretend I know what is best for me. The problem is, however, I do not think I deserve the best. Or anything good.

I have struggled with self-worth, self-hate, and self-depreciation for years. I have struggled to find the root cause of my feelings towards myself.

This year amplified all of those feelings, but God also brought me some crystal-clear answers.

To put in simply, I have suffered much in my life. Much trauma, much hurt, much pain. I have tried to kill myself three times, once in front of my own fiance, and I have felt like a sick and twisted monster due to my illness for years.

I have only lived with the correct diagnosis for three years, and been on the "right" meds for a year and a half. Even though I've been struggling with this illness all my life, it is still new to me how to properly handle it.

My illness still controls me in some ways. I have bad days. The symptoms can still overtake me.

That became very clear throughout this student-teaching experience. I have never done anything so hard and trying and stressful in my life. With the edTPA and expectations and feeling of being so closely scrutinized, I was constantly full of anxiety and the fear of failure.

It did not help that combined with all of that, I was shoving down so much shame and grief from the beginning of this year.

I have not been in counseling.

I have been trying to handle it all on my own.

In April, my best friend of over five years molested me.

It sounds dramatic, but it's true. Plain and simple. Many people might disagree and contest that statement, but many more would agree. And they have.

I had to cut that person out of my life, which then ended many other relationships I held near and dear to my heart.

I had been told by my counselor, my friends, and my family to end that friendship many years before.

But for some reason, I felt compelled to stay. To keep him in my life. I am still sorting through all of those reasons and emotions.

Some things I have finally realized is that he manipulated me. I do not think it was malicious, I just think it was his personality. It took me too long to see he is narcissistic, and that he simply cannot see his behavior is hurtful and destructive.

I miss him. And I hate myself for missing him. I feel so much grief and shame over the incident and the entire friendship, but I have also never felt so free. It has taken me a long time to become fully open about all of this. I feared who else I could lose due to the truth.

But now I have come to accept that it happened. It's over. I can and should allow myself to grieve, but I do not deserve to feel shame. I deserve to be loved and treated right.

I deserve to be valued. I deserve to live a good life. I deserve respect. I deserve to be healthy.

And it is not selfish or arrogant to make those kinds of statements. That is another feeling I have struggled with.

It is not selfish to say you deserve love. Health. Peace. Support. Patience. Understanding. Respect. Fulfillment.

You deserve to be celebrated. You deserve to feel whole.

So, cut out anyone who makes you feel less than, who makes you feel inferior, who makes you feel that being you is not okay.

But that all comes with a warning. Don't become self-absorbed. Take the fulfillment and wholeness you feel, and pour into others. Serve one another. Love one another without an agenda.

But you can only do that if you feel full. Well. Strong. Steady.

I need to go back to therapy. I need to center myself again. I need to remind myself where my strength and true North comes from.

And that's God. Not myself. Not this world. Not material things. Not passing an exam. Not earning a degree. Not other people.

God. His teaching. His law. The path He has for me.

And I need to make sure, every day, every hour, and every minute that I am following Him. It is too easy to go astray.

He has told me "I told you so" many, many times this year.

And I finally understand that it's not a shame-filled statement. It's actually one of tender mercy, grace, and the invitation to try again without being reminded of my shortcomings and mistakes.

I told you so.

So go and find what is meant for you.

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