Fawn & Lamb

January. February. March. April. June. July. August. September. Fall, to me, is the best time of year. When the leaves die, yet they change. When people intentionally dress up and let themselves free, despite wearing masks. When the cold becomes to come, and the sharpness makes one alert. Autumn. September. I began my student-teaching on September 5th. I was placed at Santiago High in Corona. I had never heard of the school before in my life. I dressed up all nice, actually did my hair, and drove there in the early morning. I got to see the sunrise over the school. It felt telling of my time there. I met my master teacher, a powerhouse of a woman. She immediately hugged me and told me how excited she was to have me. It eased my nerves. I watched the students pour in. I just watched and smiled, absolutely terrified on the inside. I did not yet understand the school's schedule, so I did not know I was only meeting a portion of the students I would be teach...

Source: Sad Ghost Club 2019 is finally coming to a close. I am both relieved and a little apprehensive. I think that is normal with any year coming to an end. 2019 was one of the toughest years of my life. Yet, as the saying goes, a smooth sea never made a skilled sailor. With anything, it is always best to start at the beginning. When I rang in the new year back in January, I was sitting in a hot tub under the stars with my fiance and, at the time, my best friend of over five years. From here on out, I will reference this friend as M. We were laughing, talking, joking, and sharing our hopes and dreams for the new year. We made a promise to one another to be open and honest, and to help one another through our dark times. We reminisced over 2018 and made new goals for ourselves. We went to bed and went to Denny's the following morning. It felt so simple, yet so magical. January ended up going by in a blur. February came, and I suffered my first loss of the year....

Sometimes God says, "I told you so." There are plenty of warnings and instances of chastisement in Scripture. God lays out His expectations clearly, and we fall short of them every day. I fall short of them every day. Today my focus verse from my devotion is Isaiah 48:17. Thus says the Lord,     your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: “I am the Lord your God,     who teaches you to profit,     who leads you in the way you should go. The NIV translation says “I am the Lord your God,      who teaches you what is best for you,     who directs you in the way you should go. I so often love to pretend I know what is best for me. The problem is, however, I do not think I deserve the best. Or anything good. I have struggled with self-worth, self-hate, and self-depreciation for years. I have struggled to find the root cause of my feelings towards myself. This year amplified all of those feelings, but God also brought m...

"Trauma isn't something we ought to take lightly. Not even I know the nature of his past, but it's best for us and for him to avoid it for the time being. There will be a proper time for him to tell us everything."... In his eyes, I see he's still disquieted. But behind it, there's a well of fire and lightning. A silent strength in his soul is longing to be acknowledged and believed in. This kid's got something special, and his decision to join our quest will be the first step in his journey of self-discovery. - Tarento The Epic of Marindel: Chosen, page 152 ------------------------------ Back in July of last year, I was going through hell in the throes of my illness. The medication I was on at the time had been prescribed under the pretense of a misdiagnosis, which caused it to only worsen my symptoms. I was in agony. Everything hurt, day in and day out, and all I could do was rage and cry, drinking myself into numbness to have some relief. Of co...

I know I have an addictive personality. I am uncertain if it is part of my bipolar disorder or part of my inheritance from my family history - it is probably a bit of both. Alcoholism is a vice that runs through my family tree - it sounds shameful, but it is unfortunately common in many families.  It is something I deal with personally.  I am currently very discouraged in my choices. I find it ironic that just last year, around this time, I was engaged in deep drinking. From mid-May through all of June, I consumed whole bottles of wine to myself and hid the empty shells away from the eyes of my loved ones. I drank for the high, to be carried away into a state of numbness where everything felt dizzy and funny. It felt so nice to not feel heavy and lead-like under the anvil of my depression and anxiety.  But of course, that feeling would be gone the next morning. I would sleep for hours upon hours, dreading getting up from my bed. And when I eventually did, I jus...

Journal entry: January 17, 2017 How does my dark, lowly existence compare with the glassy glore of God's throne? Only by His glory and redemption and grace can I even dare approach Him. I am so in love with His grace. He sees me as I am because He created me. He knows my innermost parts and thoughts. His love is rich. I am rich by owning the salvation He gave me. I have no crown or honor here, but I am crafting my crown of Life here on Earth. A heavenly crown worth more than any wealth or asset here. This soil is worthless. I kiss the feet of Jesus.  Journal entry: June 8, 2017 It feels like nearly 100% of the time my mind is telling me lies or exaggerated truths that I can't rationally break down into reality. I'm always (exaggeration) falling back into ruts that end up hurting others and myself. I struggle with my self-worth nearly every day. I know I need to focus on God when my mind and heart and soul get so overwhelmed as they do. But I don't. I continu...