Fawn & Lamb

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight." -Romans 12:15-16 When someone is crying or looks visibly upset, a person's first instinct is to ask "What's wrong?"  Sometimes that question comes out in a soothing, gentle tone. Sometimes it comes out in a surprised manner. Sometimes it comes out as irritated or exasperated. In the worst times, it comes out as sad and wheedling. "What's wrong?" When someone asks me this question, I can evaluate how much they care for a in-depth response, or not. If I can tell someone really is just asking as an instinct, and is someone I don't really know, I answer: "I'm fine!" "Oh, it's nothing, I'm just tired." "Nothing's wrong! Sorry, did I look upset?" "There's just this thing bothering my contact! I'm ...

Yesterday I was at my little sister's high school graduation ceremony. During this time, the principal stepped up and proclaimed these two things to the 590 graduates: 1. Your past does not define you. 2. There are people out there who love you so much they would lay down their lives for you. I was surprised to hear these two things because: 1. I felt moved by this because I have been struggling with the meaning of this phrase recently. 2. I did not expect this to be said at this ceremony...and it was extremely important for me to hear. Your past does not define you. My past is not an easy one. It is not a soft one. It is not always a happy one. My past has hardened me. It caused my believing and trusting heart to become rock-hard, encased in a cold, un-feeling barrier between me and all around me. When people in high school met me, they described me as coming off as "cold" and "distant" and "closed off." But when I became a senior, they...

Last night I found one of my many notebooks, and within its pages I have discovered notes I jotted down from a church conference I attended on the topic of suffering. Based on these notes, I am writing this as a reminder to myself. This present life is appointed as a field of trial that the Christian is to combat. There are three main enemies for all Christians: 1. The flesh 2. The world 3. The devil Our own flesh is against us due to the Fall; man was never meant to die, but to be eternal like God. Now we suffer from decay and death; diseases are messengers of death, which is why they ought to humble us. They remind us of our need for God, and how much we MUST depend on Him for everything in this life. In my case: DEPRESSION = suicide + fight with the Truth + suicide in battle of flesh = MIND. My mental illness is not only decaying my heart, but it is a rot of the mind. It is only by depending on God and trusting Him in this burden that I can be renewed in my body, spirit...

Design by lunalalonde on Redbubble I wrote my post "Misunderstood" after feeling completely crushed by my mom and because I had felt validated as the black sheep of the family for my interest in all things bookish, word-related, and emotions ingrained in music. I know people love to hate on "Frozen" now, but I will still forever adore Elsa. I hold her in regard as the Disney character I truly relate to the most. "Let It Go" is an anthem for me. I could annotate those lyrics and point to the depth that each line has for me as someone who struggles with depression, self-hatred, anxiety, and fear of others' judgment for who I am. I remember just a few months ago I was texting with the Suicide Crisis Hotline and somehow began talking about Elsa with my counselor. She said Elsa was also a symbol of freedom from mental illness for her, and that her boyfriend had bought her an Elsa princess wand as a gift so remind her of her potential to feel free...

This post was originally written near the end of 2013 and published on my primary blog - Bookishlysweet - January 2014. ---------- I don't want to make this sound like a sob story, but I need to get it out. LET IT GO. Sorry. ANYWAY. So, I'll try to make this brief. I have always been a loner, with very few friends. I have had some trust issues in the past because I was very badly bullied in middle school (in several different ways) and I was going through an extremely difficult time with my dad, my panic attacks were really starting to develop, and I was extremely shy and had NO confidence whatsoever. I have always felt like an outcast. That's why fictional characters speak to me so much. Because there's so many who are just like me. And here's why I bring this up, about feeling/being misunderstood. My sister and my mom are both EXTREMELY social and confident people. I am neither of those. So, I'm kind of the "black she...

A fawn is a delicate creature. Spotted, spindly, and seeing the world through huge brown eyes, it is a sweet little fragility. A lamb is curious and calm, skipping around through green grass happily. White and soft, it appears as pure and innocent, an image of what peace is. A fawn and a lamb are gentle, quiet, and small. They are loved. And when something happens to either one, if a leg is broken, blood taints their spots or wool, or they are left motherless and alone in the world, it's a heart-breaking image. I am a fawn. I am a lamb. I stumble often. I look at the world around me and see the beauty in the small meadow. It's not until a hunter behind the trees or a wolf hiding in the grass is present that I shatter. My depression is just that. It places bullets in my heart, wounds on my hide, and murders my innocence without a second thought. My depression is what has hardened my heart, accelerated my growth, choked out my trust, and made my steps unsure. I ...